blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
