I was born with a shot glass in my hand
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
