"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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