I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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