Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
