a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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