I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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