the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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