she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
