i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
