If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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