I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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