It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
