After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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