I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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