We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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