I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Sponge bath it is.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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