Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
