I swear she didn't look like that last week.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
