"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
