so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
