2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
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