I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
