I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
