oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
