i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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