Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
