Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
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Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
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I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
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