Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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