alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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