tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
