OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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