When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
