worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
