I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
