I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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