Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
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so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
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They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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