What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
