Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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