The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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