Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
