Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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