I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
