our cab driver is having phone sex.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
