please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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