My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
