just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
