I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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