When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
