So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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