Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
They have beer where we have blood.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
