I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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