hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
