he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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