I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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