I cannot find my penis.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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